Protect Children

Journal Entry

Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:

Children in the Middle

Many people recommend that you keep children out of the middle after divorce or break-up. What does that mean?

01:23

Take your children out of the middle. Send messages directly to your co-parent. Get messages back directly from your co-parent. Listen to the recommendations in this video.

02:13

What was helpful in this video? What do you want to try?

Remember that your children are still children. Do not expect them to do adult tasks for you. And remember that children might worry that they did something wrong. They may think they did something that led to the break-up. Or they might feel like they need to fix things. They will worry even more if they hear you and your co-parent argue about parenting. And it is important to help the children love both parents. If you are angry with the other parent, find out how to deal with the parent directly. Or let it go. Don’t put your children in the middle.

Basic guidelines to keep your children out of the middle:

• Do not send messages with the children to the other parent.
• Do not say bad things about the other parent to the children.
• Do not ask the children to report what is happening with the other parent.
• Do not tell children about your worries about parenting.

Take responsibility. Be the parent. Communicate with your co-parent in ways that work for you both.

Help Your Children Live in Two Households

After a break-up, many children live in two different houses. They may spend most of their time in one house. Or they might spend equal time in two different houses.
The singer Matthew West grew up with some of the same back-and-forth life. He has written a song called Two Houses about it (on his album The Story of Your Life). Here are some of the words to his song. Your children may have some of the same feelings.

Yeah, but all I want
Is the way it was
When love would always last forever
And families stayed together
Back to the day before two houses
When you held my hands when I was little
Before I got caught in the middle
Somewhere in between two houses
'Cause these two houses
Sure don't feel like home.

Living in two houses can be hard. But there are some things that parents can do to help. Please watch the next video.

02:57

Here are some important ways to help your children to live in two places.

1. Know your children. Think about their personalities. And think about their ages. Some children handle change well. Other children have a very difficult time. Older children might have an easier time than younger ones. If your children struggle with change, give them time to adjust. Tell them what will change and what will not. Remind them when they will be moving to the other house. Give them a warning ahead of time, if that helps. Let the child make as many choices as they can. Listen to the child’s feelings.
2. Do not move the children’s things around. Let them move their things. Be sure they can find their things when they want them. Help them put their toys or laundry away. But make sure they know where most things are. This is especially important for older children.
3. Try to call both places "home". Do not treat the child like a visitor in either house. Each child should have a place to sleep and keep things at both houses. Sometimes they might need to share a bedroom in one or both houses. But there should be a space that each child can call his or hers.
4. Children should have chores in both houses. Those chores should fit the children’s ages and skills. This is another way to feel at home.
5. Some experts say that one home should be the main home. Both homes should be comfortable. But one home might have more things. The main home might be the home where the family lived before the family situation changed. It might be the place with the children spend more time. Or the main house might change when other things change.
6. Try to reduce the need to pack. Keep some important things in both homes. Have some toys and clothes in both homes. Do laundry in both homes, if you can. Don’t make children live out of a suitcase. They are not visitors.
7. Have a packing plan. There will be some things that need to go back and forth. Children will have just one copy of schoolwork. A special blanket or teddy bear may need to go back and forth. Make sure you know what those things are. As the children get older, help them learn to pack for themselves. Maybe checklists would help.
8. Let the children make their spaces their own. Let them choose a color to paint the bedroom. Or let them arrange the furniture. Or let them arrange their toys. Put some things on the walls.
9. Let the children keep pictures of both parents in their rooms.

Transitions

Having two homes means a lot of going back and forth. How can you help with that?

06:54

A note about pets

Studies have shown that pets can be very helpful to children who are dealing with stress. The pet can be a friend who loves them no matter what. Children can talk with a pet. They can hug pets and get “kisses” from them. They are like members of the family. Children facing big changes in families need to hold on to that relationship if they can.

When the family is no longer together, parents need to make decisions about pets. Legally, pets are often looked at as “things.” The courts try to decide who “owns” the pets. It is important for the parents to look at the relationships instead. Children usually will want to stay close to their pets. Parents should let the children be friends with those pets, if possible. Even if the pet might actually belong to a parent, think about whether the children have a relationship with it.

When the child lives in two houses, this can be a problem. Maybe the pet needs to stay in the same house where the family lived. The children can see the pet when they are in that house. Or maybe there is a way to send the pet back and forth with the children. Or maybe both parents can have pets for the children to love.

The important thing is to think carefully about the role the pet plays in the lives of the children. Maybe you will want to get a new pet to help the children. But make sure there are good homes for both the pets and the children.

Look in Additional Resources for more suggestions about children and pets after divorce and separation.

Journal Entry

Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions: