When Co-Parenting Does not Work
Surround yourself with people who strengthen your character, and remove yourself from people who compromise your character.
Dave Williams - Psychologist
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
What are some times when you have wondered if co-parenting is a good idea? Have you ever worried about whether it is good for your children to have contact with both parents?
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When Children Avoid One Parent
Sometimes children will say they don't want to be with one parent. They might refuse to go for parenting time. They might push that parent away or say they hate that parent. That can happen for different reasons. You can find out more about the situation in this piece.
If you think your child is alienated, get some help. A therapist or social worker can decide if your children or your family need help. It is very important to let your children get close to both parents, as long as it is safe.
Realistic Estrangement
"Realistic Estrangement" means that you are staying away from someone for a good reason. Sometimes it is not possible to co-parent with your parenting partner. He or she may not be able to be a good or a safe parent. You or your children might be in danger.
Family violence
Sometimes the problem is violence. One or both parents might hurt the children. Or they might hurt each other. Consider these questions:Have you or your co-parent:
acted like violent behavior toward you or your children is OK sometimes?
damaged or destroyed property or pets during an argument?
threatened to commit suicide?
pushed, slapped, kicked, punched or physically hurt you or your children?
needed medication to be safe around others?
threatened not to return or really did not return your children after parenting time?
used weapons to threaten or hurt people?
threatened to kill you, your children or anyone else?
sexually abused anyone (including you) by force, threat of force, or bullying?
had sexual contact of any kind with any child?
been served a protection or no-contact order?
been arrested for harming or threatening to harm you or anyone else?
acted violent when angry? Has he or she been out of control when angry?
abused alcohol or drugs?
made you afraid for the safety of yourself or your children?
been violently jealous of you starting any other relationships?
followed you around and tried to control you?
If you answered “yes" to any of these questions, you will need to do things in a different way from other couples. Think about your safety and your children's safety. Talk with an expert for help. You might want to contact a person called a "domestic violence legal advocate". Or you might want to talk with Child Protective Services. Or you could look for a lawyer who focuses on couples who have had problems with violence.
Drug or alcohol abuse
Another possible problem is drug or alcohol abuse. You or your partner might use drugs or alcohol to deal with problems. Or either of you might be addicted. That means that you or your partner can’t stay away from those things even if you want to. This can be dangerous for the children.
Here is one young person's story about living with parents using drugs.
As this young woman said, addiction hurts children. There are four ways that using drugs and alcohol make it hard to be a good parent. Please watch the next video.
Look at the following questions. This is called the CAGE assessment. Would you answer “yes” to any of the questions?
Have you ever felt you ought to C ut down on your drinking or drug use?
Have people A nnoyed you by criticizing your drinking or drug use?
Have you felt bad or G uilty about your drinking or drug use?
Have you ever had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (E ye-opener)?
If you said "yes" to any of these questions (Cut down, Annoyed, Guilty, Eye-opener), you might need help. You might not be able to care for your children safely. Talk to a drug or alcohol counselor.
Maybe you think your co-parent has a drug or alcohol problem. How would your co-parent answer the CAGE questions above? Here are some other questions you also might want to answer.
Does your co-parent ever smell like alcohol or act high when picking up your child?
Does your co-parent ever drive after drinking or using drugs? Is your child ever in the car at those times?
Have you seen drug items or alcohol at your co-parent house? Are they locked away or could the children find them?
Talk to someone if you think your children are not safe. Talk to your mediator, your lawyer, or a drug counselor.
You might decide that drugs and alcohol are problems in your family. Do something about it. Keep your children safe. Some families might also need help themselves with dealing with a family member’s substance abuse. There are groups for families who are dealing with this problem. You can find out more about how to cope a family member’s abuse. You can also find out if there is a group in your area. You could meet with other families and help each other. Go here
Cigarettes
Smoking is different from using drugs and alcohol. Smoking does not usually change how people do other things. It does not change the way they think or react as much. But smoke is dangerous for children. Being in a house with a smoker means that the children will be smoking, too. Only a little bit of the smoke ends up inside the smoker. A lot of it goes into the air. And cigarettes are often a cause of house fires.
We know that there are lots of problems that come from breathing smoke. And smoke hurts children’s growth. It can make them sick. It can change the way their minds work. And living with a smoker can make children want to smoke when they grow up.
Parents who smoke should never smoke in the house. They should never smoke in the car when the children are there. It can also be a problem for the children after the cigarette is put out. The smoke stays in the furniture and clothing. It can stay in the walls and carpet.
Smoking can be a reason to keep a parent away from a child. Some states consider smoking as a good reason to limit custody. This is true especially if a child has breathing problems. Smoking rules can be added to a parenting plan.
So stop smoking if you can. Never smoke around the children or in the house where they live. Make sure your co-parent does not smoke around the children, either.
Note
Think carefully about these reasons that co-parenting might not be possible. Make sure you and your children are safe. Get help if you do not feel safe. But try to keep contact if you can.
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
Is there a good reason that your children should not have contact with your co-parent?
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2.
Is there a good reason that your children should not have contact with you?
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