Managing Conflict
Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict shows you the kind of people they are.
Stephen Moyer [from Brainy Quote]
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
Think of a conflict you had with your co-parent recently. What was it about? How did you and your co-parent handle it? Just write enough so you can remember what it was about.
What have your children done or said about conflicts in your family?
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Background on Conflict and Divorce or Separation
How do children feel when their parents are in conflict?
Studies show that conflict around divorce and separation may be harmful for children.
Seeing and hearing conflict between their parents can cause stress in the children. Studies support that being around violence and threats can have a negative impact on children’s development. It can change the way developing brains work. This is known as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). We will talk about ways to manage conflict so it does not become violent and harm the children. We provide skills to manage conflict in healthy ways, which will result in a positive childhood experience!
Another way to look at conflict
As you can see, there are many ways to look at conflict. Here is a way that might be helpful for you.
Managing Conflict
You can't make conflict go away. What are some ways that you can make it more realistic and productive?
How to make conflict less common in your life
The six steps in problem-solving can be very helpful. They can help you when there is a conflict. But you can do things that make conflict likely. Or you can make it less likely. See how many things you can do to lower conflict in your life.
These things make conflicts less likely:
Everyone understands that we all have needs. They agree to pay attention to each other’s needs.
Everyone understands that we all care about different things. They agree to pay attention to what other people care about.
People ask and do not assume. They do not think they know what other people think and feel. They let the other person explain.
People talk about their needs and what they care about. They don’t talk about what the other people should do.
People find areas where they agree. They find something that is important to everyone. Then they talk about what is different.
There are clear and simple rules for talking about the conflict.
Everyone agrees and knows what will happen when someone breaks the rules. Maybe the discussion will stop. Maybe you will start over. Maybe you will all look at the rules again.
Your communication is mostly about information and problem-solving. People use thinking more than feeling to lower conflict.
The focus is on the problem rather than the people.
People try to understand each other. Everyone gets an equal chance to talk and listen.
Be careful about the following things. They can make the problem worse.
People judge what other people say.
People feel like someone wants to hurt them. Or they feel like someone wants to take something from them.
Someone increases the threat. They can do that with words or actions.
Everyone seems to want to be in charge. They want to make other people do or think what is important to them. They want to control the others.
It seems like there is a hidden goal. People feel like they can’t trust what other people say.
People gang up on each other. They take sides.
People try to be better than each other. They try to show off.
There is a history of negative relationships. That history keeps coming up.
People feel like they look bad. They get embarrassed and feel a need to save face.
It is not good for children to see you and your co-parent in hurtful conflict. They should never see you hurt each other. And they should always feel safe. But it would be good for them to see you handle disagreement in a healthy way. You can teach them how to solve problems. And you can show them that you can solve problems so that everyone wins.
For more information about dealing with conflict after divorce, see the link to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Managing conflict during divorce
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
Look back at the conflict you described earlier. What are some ways that it was realistic and productive? What are some ways that the conflict was not realistic or that it was destructive?
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2.
Think about a conflict you would like to manage better. Maybe it will be the one you wrote down earlier. Or maybe it will be something different. How could you try to use this problem-solving approach with that conflict? Write down the steps you will take to try to work on that conflict.
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