Making Decisions
We must become more child-focused in actions as well as words.
Linda D. Elrod - Director, Children and Family Law Center
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following question:
1.
What do you know about setting up a parenting plan? What is something you want to be sure to do?
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Choices for Making Decisions After Divorce or Separation
So, letting lawyers and courts make decisions usually is not the best way to go. This video points out how going to court can take parents out of control. It lets other people make decisions for you.
You might still go to court when you use a mediator or collaborative lawyer. But most parents make the decisions before they get there.
The video above talked about mediation and collaborative law. Those are two kinds of choices instead of lawyers for divorcing couples. They are called types of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR). Mediation and collaborative law are explained in the next video.
This video talked about two choices. First was Mediation.
In mediation, an outside person works with both of you. That person is neutral. He or she helps you and your co-parent talk together about what you want and need. You could bring lawyers along to the discussion, but they will not argue for you. The mediator will help you and your co-parent find a solution that works for everyone. No one will decide who is right or wrong.
Collaborative lawyers are the second choice. They will start the process by having everyone sign an agreement to be honest, fair, and open. If either person chooses to go to court or to a traditional lawyer, the collaborative process ends.
The big difference between mediation and collaborative law is that a mediator is a third person outside of the couple. That person is not there in collaborative law. In collaborative law, each co-parent still has a separate lawyer. That lawyer will work for an agreement that works for both people, though.
The next video outlines some of the reasons you might want to use mediation or collaborative law.
This video provided three main benefits of mediation and collaborative law.
Mediation and collaborative law can be cheaper. It said that sometimes it can a lot cheaper than using lawyers fighting with each other.
It is easier to stay a little friendlier with your co-parent. Mediation and collaborative law help you talk with each other instead of fighting about things. You don’t focus as much on what is wrong with the other person.
These methods make it easier to stay in touch with other members of your co-parent’s family. Again, you don’t need to focus on what is wrong with the other parent. You can stay friendly.
There are also other benefits. If you can decide things yourselves, it is much better than the other methods. Courts actually prefer if you make your own plans. YOU and your parenting partner are deciding what will happen. This is good, because:
You know your children and your situation best.
You know what is important to you.
You know how your children act.
You know what you are willing to do.
And if you and your partner put together a plan, you are most likely to follow that plan. You believe in it.
You still might need a lawyer to make your plan official. But you are guiding the process.
Most people cannot do it all on their own, though. And there are good things about working with someone who knows all the laws. But if you start by working together, you will be ready to work with someone else.
Using a mediator can help you make decisions when you and your co-parent do not agree. A mediator listens to both of you. He or she also helps you listen to each other. A mediator works with the whole family and tries to help you agree. It is about the whole family winning, not one person.
Some Parents Should Use Lawyers
We have said that it is good to avoid individual lawyers. Sometimes that is best for some parents, though. Sometimes a family situation is very complicated. Maybe a child has very special needs. Or maybe one parent has a lot of power over another parent. Maybe one parent is abusing the other parent. That parent might make it hard for the other parent to say what he or she needs. Any discussion would not be fair. That means that mediation would not work very well.
Think about your relationship with your co-parent. Can you both say what you need? Will a mediator be able to be fair to both of you? Will you both be heard? Will your mediator or collaborative lawyers be able to understand your family’s needs? If so, try one of those methods. They are cheaper, and they let you stay friendlier with each other. They make it easier to stay in touch with the rest of the family. If you have a power imbalance, use the help of lawyers.
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
What are your thoughts about making your divorce or separation decisions? What reasons might you have to work with a lawyer and the courts? What are your thoughts about using a mediator or collaborative lawyer?
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2.
What will be hard for you to work out with your parenting partner?
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