Caution Areas!

Journal Entry

Please take some time to answer the following questions:

Emotional or Physical Abuse

Sometimes divorce and separation are not the only problems in a family. Sometimes the relationships were not healthy before. Some parents hurt the children or their partners. Sometimes there is abuse. If you live in an abusive household, your children will have extra needs during divorce and separation. First, they need the abuse to stop. Then they need patience, love, and understanding. If someone in the family has been hurt, get help. Make sure everyone is safe. Make sure the help fits your child’s age and stage of development.

Maybe your child has told you about abuse. Listen. Do not judge. Then report the abuse to the authorities. An expert can find out what has happened. Trust your child to tell the truth.

If you or your co-parent has hurt your child, you may need to make special plans. The most important thing is to keep the child safe. Make sure your children know that you will do everything you can to keep them safe. A parent who has hurt a child may not be able to have parenting time (visitation) right away. That parent may need to go to therapy or classes first. In a few cases the parent may not be able to have contact with the child at all.

Maybe the children will miss that parent and want to see him or her. Explain that it is not safe right now. Tell them that people are trying to help. Tell them that they will be able to see the parent when it is safe.

Maybe the children are glad that they will not see that parent. Say that you know it was not safe before. Maybe you can say that the parent is trying to get help. Find out whether there is hope that the parent will get better. If so, the children may need to know that things could change in the future. It would be good if both parents could have safe contact with the children. Try to help the children learn to understand the parent. Don’t teach them to hate him or her.

If possible, assure your children you are there to love them and listen. Children could send cards, drawings, or letters to the distant parent. Maybe it would be possible to talk on the phone or the computer. Be sure to talk with the experts who are helping the abusive parent. Find out what would be OK.

Example: Here is one way to tell your younger children about a parent who has been abusive: "When you get sick, the doctor gives you medicine to help you get better. But even when you take medicine, you might make other people sick. It is important to get healthy first. So until your Mom/Dad is able to get better, we need to make sure you are in a safe place and not around them while they are sick."

If you think you or your co-parent is abusing one or more of your children, it needs to be reported. Experts can help. But be careful. Do not make this decision when you are angry with your co-parent. It is not fair to your children to use child abuse reports as a way to get back at your co-parent. But if you think that you or your co-parent needs help, call. Keep your children safe.

Maybe one parent is abusing the other. Or maybe both parents are hurting each other. It is important to stop this abuse, too. It is bad for children to see their parents hurt each other. Get help. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE [7233] for private support.

Substance Abuse

Divorce and separation are stressful. One way that some people deal with stress is by drinking alcohol or using drugs. So alcohol and drugs can become a problem during the divorce and separation. Sometimes alcohol or drugs were problems before. Maybe they led to the divorce or separation. If these problems are serious, it is not safe for the family. It may not be good for that parent to have parenting time (visitation) with the children.

Addiction is an illness that needs to be treated. You can tell your children that their mother/father has a sickness. He or she needs to get better. Maybe the children can have time with the parent later.

When your children ask questions, be honest. Get help from experts if you need it. Be sure you let your children know that your co-parent loves them, but he or she is sick and needs help. It may be possible to send cards, letters, or drawings. Or maybe they could talk on the phone or computer. Find out what would be OK.

Example: "Your Mom/Dad loves you, but s/he is sick right now and can’t be a safe parent. Maybe after doctors help him/her get better, you can be able to have some fun times together."

Answer the children’s questions. Listen to their feelings. But do not give them too many details. Do not focus on the worst sides of your co-parent.

Some families might also need help themselves with dealing with a family member's substance abuse. There are groups for families who are dealing with this problem. You can find out more about how to cope a family member’s abuse. You can also find out if there is a group in your area. You could meet with other families and help each other. Go here to find out more.

Does Your Child Need Counseling?

Divorce and separation can be hard times for children. Most children will get over the problems. They will start acting more normal again. But some children have more problems. They may need extra help. Parents might be able to help the children, but the parents often have their own struggles with divorce and separation.

Karuppaswami and Myers-Walls have listed some signs that children may need counseling. Some of these behaviors happen with many children. There are ways to decide whether it is a serious problem. Think about the child’s behavior before the divorce or separation. Is the behavior worse now? And think about how the child is doing with normal activities. If your child cannot be part of things like school and child care, he or she may need extra help. If your child is not eating or sleeping and is getting sick, look for help. If the problems don’t get better after a few days or weeks, you may need to look for a counselor or other help.

In the next video, we introduce some signs that children may need counseling. Please watch the video.

04:40

Very important

Some children mention suicide. They may say that they want to die. They might give away things that are important to them. They may start talking about ways to die. Any time your child says anything like this, take it seriously. Even young children have killed themselves. Get help right away!!

Finding Help

To find help, you could contact your local schools and talk to a counselor or school psychologist. Maybe that person could suggest someone or knows a good way to find someone in your community. Or you could look for a "warm line" or a hotline or a service for finding local help. Sometimes telephone help lines are connected with United Way. A clergy person might be able to help connect you as well.

For reporting suspected child maltreatment, contact Child Welfare.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness has a good information.
U.S, News and World Report also has a good piece - but be prepared for lots of advertising to pop up!
These sources could help you find support for yourself, too.

Journal Entry

Please take a few minutes to answer the following question: