Talking with Children
Before my Mom and Dad got separated, I didn't know they were even talking about it. I was surprised when they told me. I thought when they were talking with each other, and they looked real serious, they were talking about normal stuff. When I found out about the separation, they told me together. I'm glad they did it that way. On my Dad's last day at home, which I'll never forget, I felt very, very, very sad. I remember everything about it. My Dad felt sad too. He had to move to a different town and lived with my Nana. After one year he moved closer to me and now lives in an apartment in the next town from me. The ride to his house is only about 10 minutes away from where I live with my Mom.
Olivia, 8 years old
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1. Have you talked with your children about divorce or separation? If yes, what have you told them? What was the children's reaction? If not, when do you intend to tell them? What will you tell them?
Save
The Cycle of Silence
Maybe you have not said anything to your children yet about your divorce or separation. Or maybe you told them a long time ago. Maybe they seemed to know before you told them. In any case, you will not have just one talk about this difficult topic. Children can’t talk about everything they want to know at one time. And they will have new questions when they have time to think about it. They will also have new questions as they get older. The situation will keep changing, too. It is important to be there for them. They need to know they can ask questions. They need to trust you to tell them important things.
When should you tell them? As soon as they notice changes and ask questions. Or as soon as things in their lives will change. You do not need to talk about everything at once. Tell them what they need to know at that time. And answer their questions as much as you can.
Please watch this video.
First, we will look at hints that can work for almost all children.
Talking with Children When the Talking Gets Tough
Divorce and separation are grown-up topics. As adults we hoped we would never have to talk about these with our children. We would like to protect those young minds from the pain and sadness of difficult situations. We would like to give them happy, innocent, and carefree lives. But talk we must. And if possible, couples need to try to talk to the children together.
This video includes some information about how children react to divorce and separation. It also gives recommendations for breaking the news. Look for ideas you might want to try. Write them down.
What suggestions were helpful in that video? How will you try to use them?
As you have seen, there are some things that many people agree you should include when you talk to all children. It is important to say these things in your own words. And use the words that will be helpful for your children.
Define words related to divorce and separation.
Their parents still love them.
It’s not their fault.
Describe changes.
It is final.
Now let’s look at hints for each age or developmental group.
CHOOSE THE VIDEO(S) THAT BEST APPLY TO YOUR CHILD/CHILDREN.
Babies
Toddlers
Preschoolers
School-age children
Teenage children
Adult Children
Children with Special Needs
Sometimes you will talk to more than one child at a time. Those children may be in different age groups. Try to pay attention to all of the children. Talk to the youngest children first. It is OK if the older children are there. But the older children might have more questions. They might need to talk about things the younger children will not understand. Try to make a time to talk to the older children alone to answer those questions.
Think about each of your children.
Make a copy of the Worksheet for you to fill out for each of your children.
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1. What have you learned by completing the worksheet(s)? Which were the most difficult questions? Why? Did you need to decide about some of the answers with your partner? Which ones? Why?
Save
