Divorce and Separation
I know my break up is the "right thing" but it still hurts. My emotions are all over the place and I'm struggling to cope.
Gabe O.
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1. What do you think about divorce or separation? When is it good? When is it bad?
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Divorce and Break-ups: What do we know?
Please watch the video below.
Think about your situation. How do the lists above fit you? What are some of the reasons that your relationship is ending or was never strong?
Feelings after Divorce or Separation
Who does better after divorce and separation?
In general, people show more physical and emotional problems after divorce and separation than before. It isn’t easy. But studies show that some people do better than others.
If you had lots of fights and problems in your relationship, you may be happier after the divorce or separation.
If your relationship was mostly smooth without lots of fights and problems, you may be sadder after the divorce or separation.
If you started the break-up (you were the “leaver” or asked the other person to leave), you might do better than the one who was “left.” But we will talk about this later. It may be that the leaver and the left are just on a different schedule. Their hard times don’t happen at the same time.
You are probably not surprised that divorce and separation are harder if there are children. This has been found in women especially.
If you were divorced or went through a break-up before, studies show that you may be more depressed this time.
Looking at that list, are you expecting to be happier or sadder?
Feelings
It is possible to feel sad or happy after divorce or separation. But you could see in the video at the beginning of this unit that there is usually more to it than that. And many people have talked about the feelings at this time being a roller coaster. You feel one way one day and a different way the next. This is true especially at the beginning.
This video gives a different view. How are these feelings the same and different from the video in which the man describes his divorce (section What You Will Learn)?
At times of divorce or separation, people grieve. They need to let go of what was. Robert Emery created a theory of grief for divorcing couples. It can work for other break-ups, too. He outlines different steps in divorce. He looks mostly at a person’s feelings. He has focused on three feelings after divorce. He has observed that people feel love, anger, and sadness when they divorce or separate. He says that most people feel one of those things at a time at first. And at the beginning the feelings are usually very strong and intense. People are really angry, really sad, or really feeling love for the other person.
Love —You want to be with your partner. You think about getting back together. You feel guilty for hurting your partner. You want to be close again like you used to be.Anger —You are frustrated. You can’t get what you want. You resent your partner. You feel it isn’t fair. You blame your partner for making mistakes. You want to hurt your partner and get revenge.Sadness —You feel lonely. You don’t know what to do. You feel like you are worthless. You blame yourself for not doing better. You are depressed. You miss the good times.
All of this is more complicated because parents bring other problems and feelings to any break-up. Life is not simple. Please listen to this woman who had other emotional issues before the break-up.
This woman has special emotional problems. But most of her reactions are very common. She felt love, anger, and sadness.
What did you notice in these videos about feelings after divorce or separation? The video below provides some ideas.
Journal Entry
1. Read your answers to the Journal Entry questions above. Those questions were about your thoughts about divorce or separation. Would you change your answers now? How would you change them? Type the revised version of your answers.
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